Psalm 139:1 Lord, you have seen what is in my heart. You know all about me.
In light of recent events in my life I have contemplated just hiding from it all. I am desperately trying to refrain from my old habits of closing my eyes and hoping it all goes away. I have been running away again from my home because it is not a place of refuge. I have been trying to hide my disappointment. I have been trying to carry the weight of the last 6 months when I know it is not for me to hold on to. I just wish hiding worked because then I could live in a pretend place where my entire life makes sense.
Who am I kidding? On this side of Heaven there will be a bazillion things we do not understand. We have to begin to come to a place of prayer, trust and wait. Nothing happens without God moving on our behalf. I am not sure why we are always so quick to try to get something accomplished before God even gets His hands on it. I am really guilty of trying to figure everything out when I know it is the resting that things get accomplished.
The last year of my life has left me empty. My father passed away. My home was gutted. My husband of almost 7 years left without warning and divorced me. The holidays were not the same. Thank goodness for my children, I’m not sure where I would be without them to lean on. My days are filled with wonder but not the magical kind the holidays bring. I wonder when the electrician will finish? I wonder when we can put the insulation and ceiling in? I wonder when the kitchen will be put back together? I wonder if I will ever be whole again?
Yet through all my unanswered questions God is moving. Certainly not at my speed, but I know He is moving. He has provided money for each step of the project. He has brought people from far away places and that I did not even know until a few months ago to complete some of the work. It seems when one part is finished or if someone leaves the project someone else shows up. So why am I so discontented? Perhaps because I cannot make sense of how someone could leave anyone like this? Maybe I just feel like once again I made mistakes which brought me here.
So here I am, still confined to the basement asking God to give me a glimpse of what He is doing. Crickets. Silence. Not a word from God. Well, okay three simple words: PRAY TRUST WAIT. Oh and then the BIG one He said to me weeks ago. FORGIVE. Such a hard thing to do some days yet I know the only reason I have been blessed so far is because I have chosen to forgive. Each turn of the corner, forgive. Every devastating memory, forgive. Anything which makes me want to scream, forgive. Every disappointment, forgive.
His mercy is new tomorrow. Sorrow only lasts for the night, but oh what a long night it seems to be. In the distance I see this house as a refuge, a place of peace. A place where people can gather and celebrate God. A home worthy of His presence. I just need to believe. I may have to remind myself to believe everyday. Every hour. Every minute sometimes. He has this already figured out. I just need to: PRAY. TRUST.