One word. A phrase. Rambled sentence. A photo. Revisiting a place. Smelling lilacs. Touching something. Tasting a forgotten food. We use all of our senses everyday. Our brain quickly communicates what we should be feeling which each sense. What do we do when our brain brings up things we either don’t want to remember or information we just don’t want to know?
If you discover the answer to this let me know!
Just kidding! The answer is forgiveness. Another answer is healing. One more option is knowing who you are. But the ultimate answer is Jesus. Plain and simple. He is our resource for EVERYTHING.
I heard some news today. Something I wasn’t expecting to hear. An announcement I did want to have knowledge of. Wished I could have covered my ears, closed my eyes and said “LA LA LA LA LA LA” and it would have been like it never happened.
Tell me you have never been in that place?
I want to be transparent and real in my blogs. I want to convey my feelings and thoughts in a non accusing manner, so keep in mind I am just being real. So often we don’t talk about our feelings for fear of not being heard or rejection and I feel that’s why we bottle things up instead of facing the issues.
Some of you know my story so I will be brief in this blog. Winter of 2019 my home was gutted after my father passed away. Day before summer began in June of 2019 my husband left me. In September 2019 the divorce was final. May 2021, house is still not put back together. I will not lie. The struggle has been real. It has been hard. I have wanted to give up. Run away. Bury my head in the sand. Cover my ears. Close my eyes. And scream.
God is the only reason I have made it this far. Forgiveness over and over and over again. Learning my worth. Seeing myself through God’s eyes. That is how I have made it through the season of lack. The season of not being good enough. The season of rejection. There still is so much to be done before the house is finished I don’t see a completion date in sight.
So what did I learn today?
I found out my ex husband is engaged. Now, I get it. He has moved on. I have moved on. But for some reason this hit me hard today. My “I’m not good enough rejected old self” stopped by for a visit. The frustration of moving on for me seemed tainted with how easy it seems to be for him. I revisited the pain for a moment. I got mad for a minute. I may have stomped my feet and cried a little. But why?
Because my senses were trying to tell my brain how I should react.
How do we move past this? When does the injustice of the past stop haunting us? Will we ever be able to push thru and stay in front of our past? How can we possibly live in the now?
JESUS. JESUS. JESUS. JESUS. JESUS. JESUS. JESUS. JESUS. JESUS. JESUS.
Just keep saying the name of Jesus. Call on Him in your distress and frustration. Ask Him to heal the pain. Allow Him to sit beside you. You are not alone. You are not rejected. You are loved. You are not defined by your past because God makes all things new and you my friend are a new creation in Christ and His mercies are new everyday.
I know God will finish this house in His timing. I need to believe He will do it before I can trust Him to complete it. Just like I need to believe I am worthy of love before I can truly trust that God loves me enough not to leave me this way.