Try It Before You “Buy” It

#WARNING. MATURE CONTENT

I felt like this particular blog needed a warning label. What I am about to share is heavy and real. Its not for light reading purposes. It is bring Light to a very misunderstood dark subject. I pray you will continue to read this, however, I leave that all up to the Holy Spirit. I would also like to make it clear that I am speaking from my own perspective and in NO WAY am I attacking anyone else’s beliefs or ideals. In the end we all will stand before our creator and give an account for our OWN choices. How ever you may respond to this I pray you feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit and not the condemnation of the world.

Here we go!

I have been twice married and divorced. Prior to this I was seeking for love in all the wrong places. I wanted to be a virgin when I got married. I wanted to save myself for marriage. It seemed like the right thing to do. Even though I was starved for love. Looking for acceptance. Wanting to fit it. Wanting to be desired. I still wanted to wait.

That all changed in one moment. One bad choice. One open door. Being seventeen and wanting to just be loved. I had a boyfriend but I wasn’t willing to give in even after 2 years of dating. I was babysitting one night and invited a boy from school over. He was older. He was cute. Popular and sweet. One thing led to another and I lost my virginity to a man I wasn’t even dating. For me it did not happen after prom. It didn’t happen in a place of passion. It wasn’t love. It was a moment of tears and regret. A moment that I could never take back.

After this it was like game over.

I slept with the boyfriend. I slept with a few guys from the bar scene. Then I met my first husband and intimacy happened right away. We moved in together before marriage. I cheated once. Learned my lesson and never did that again. Wedding plans took place and then I got pregnant. My son was born 4 months before the wedding.

I spent the next 18 years just doing life. Raising kids. Working full time. Trying to keep my life together. My husband was addicted to alcohol and then drugs. By God’s grace I was able to remove myself from that marriage.

Three years of no dating. Seperated but still married. Seeking the Lord. Praying for healing. Learning my worth. Then I met my second husband. We were friends first then within 8 months we fast tracked it to dating, engagement and marriage a year to the date of us meeting. Prior to this realationship I told God if He wasn’t going to restore my first marriage I did not need a man in my life yet here I was filing for a divorce and a marriage certificate in the same month

Now. I tried not being intimate with my second husband. We actually did not have our first kiss until we were at the alter, however, we had sex. Our pastor called us out on it and we spent the month prior to marriage sleeping in the same bed but in sleeping bags😳

So! Fast forward to the here and now. I am not making a vow but I am making a choice going forward. I have tried the worlds way TWICE. I tried it before I bought the marriage certificate and ended in disaster. I was left broken. Confused. Used. Unloved. Left behind. Empty and Alone. I want God’s will for my life and that means following the rules.

I am worthy of love.

I am worth the wait.

It’s not about my body.

It’s about my heart.