Brenda Laughed

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photo credit victoria lynn welc

Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. 11 Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. 12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ 14 Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

15 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”

But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”

This is so me right now in the current situation I am in.  I laugh sometimes when God says He is going to do the impossible in my life.  He says he will move mountains for me yet I seem to be staring at the same one I was gazing upon over a year ago.  When someone says, “After this part, it will go fast!”  I have to literally stop myself from beginning to laugh.  While I am staring at the amount of dollar bills I have left for this “remodel” I giggle, probably out loud, too loud.  But God knows my heart and this is all that matters.

To catch us up, I was left by my husband in June with a gutted-out home.  This was my father’s house.  This was the home I spent my childhood years in.  This was my inheritance torn down to walls and rubble right before my eyes.  I could spend a whole days worth of words describing the pain, agony, defeat, impossibilties and the loss I have felt over the last year of my life.  I could accurately give an account for every moment of disbelief and disappointment.  I could write a novel, and probably will, about what has happened to me just in the last year alone.  But God knows right where I am and He has my character on His mind.

From the moment disaster struck, the day before summer began, I have struggled with the thoughts running through my pretty little brain.  Why? How? Who does this to another human being? What could be better than the life we had?  I have spent some time crying.  I have spent some time screaming.  I have spent days stomping my feet across the barren floor.  All of these things have brought me emptiness and did not fill the void which was now filling up the space in my life.  But God heard my cries and has sent the help even though I can see no end in sight to this disruption.

How could I move forward?  What steps could I take to rectify this mess?

Praise not pouting.

Worshiping not wrecking.

Forgiveness not flavorful unkind words.

Gratitude not attitude.

Love not lashing out.

Patience not pestering.

Waiting not whining.

God has been working on my reactions to turn them into responses.  He has been teaching me to surrender this mountain over and over and over again until at some point I began to see it move.  It only moved a smidgen, but it moved none the less.  We often desire to see GREAT change in a microwave style, when in reality that is not how God wants it to take place.  It is not about the finished home at this point, it is all about shaping my character.  God is changing my thoughts, reactions and emotions more and more into the likeness of Jesus and it is not a very pleasant or easy process to go through.  We have to look at the good, bad, ugly and down right disgusting parts of who we have become because of life’s circumstances and come to the realization God loves us just like that, but He wants the best for us.

In the beginning my laughter was much like Sarah’s out of sheer disbelief.  Now my laughter has come from a place of joy.  Out of the inner most part of who I am becoming in Christ.  Yes, I still have moments where I doubt.  Yes, I still have moments of frustration.  Yes, I still want to speak those ugly thoughts.  And Yes, I still believe God can move this mountain which is staring me down like it owns me somehow.  It is only by the loving grace of God I have even made it this far.  It is by His grace, love and commitment to seeing me healed and whole that I can stand here today and even find any ounce of moving forward in me.

So, today when you hear me laugh, I hope you see the truth behind it.  There was a lot of tears shed in the process.  There was a lot of doubt and unbelief going on behind the scenes.  There will be more I am sure.  BUT God is moving the mountain on my behalf and He does not need my help.  He just wants me to trust Him even in the waiting.

 

 

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