Is It Safe to Open My Eyes Yet?

Isaiah 22:22

New International Version (NIV)

²² I will place on his shoulder the key to the house of David; what he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open.

Remember as a kid laying down in the snow and making angel imprints? I would lay there, eyes closed and just dream about being a real angel and leaving my imprint on this world.  From the time I was little I have wanted to make a difference in this world.  Having found the love of Jesus when I was 6 years old, I have always been different.  I could discern right from wrong very easily and I had a desire to be a good person.  I longed to love and be loved.  I had a deep desire to be accepted.  Life had a different plan for me and I fell into some of those ugly traps the devil had set before me. This was the point where I started closing my eyes and hoping it would all go away.

I grew up in a dysfunctional home and my view of love was very warped.  My dad was a drinker and my mom was a constant yeller.  I searched outside of my home for acceptance and found very little.  I was an only child and so I could pacify myself for long periods of time with reading or singing to my favorite records.  I never really understood what real love was or that God really had anything to do with it.  Without this knowledge I began to search for love in all of the wrong places.  I began smoking at 13, drinking at 16, sleeping around at 17 and in a relationship to be married by 20, pregnant by 21 and well on my way to be as far away from God as I possibly could be.

How do we end up so far away from the love God intended for us?  Easy, listening to the wrong voice in our head.  Choosing our own will for our lives rather than seeking God for the right choices.  Putting ourselves first instead of God.  There are tons and tons of answers for this question, but really the question posed last night to me was “How do you know the difference between surrender and just letting things happen?”  Interesting question to be asked but I had the answer!  My whole life the last 3 years has been nothing by surrendering it all.  I have finally rested into a place in my life where I am secure in my relationship with God.  I finally understand my life is already planned out and my steps are ordered.  How did I get to this place of surrender? Not easy I  will tell you that, but when it occurred I felt such a relief in my spirit.

It came the night I was sitting in a hospital room watching my husband at the time fighting for life after a drug overdose.  I had been closing my eyes for 20 years waiting for that moment when I could open my eyes and face reality.  I was the type of person who thought if I kept my eyes shut long enough things would just go away.  For instance, my husband would stop drinking and doing drugs.  My finances would take care of themselves even though we had not filed our taxes in 3 years.  My husband would find a job even though he was not looking for one.  I was so blind!  My eyes were not shut, I was blind.  I wanted change in my life but I thought the solution was to close my eyes, say a little prayer and then just continue on in hope of things changing.

Then, while sitting in that emergency room I was faced with a choice:  surrender or never open my eyes.  It was in that one moment of time I finally decided to do something about my circumstances and surrender it all to God and open my eyes so that I could focus them on Jesus instead of the million issues which surrounded my life.  That my friends is the difference between surrender and just letting things go on:  letting go.  Letting go is not giving up and I will choose to use that for my next blog….stay tuned.