1 Corinthians 13:7
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Got sin? Feel like you fall short? Perhaps you think you just don’t measure up? Maybe you are riddled with guilt? Or you just are not feeling worthy of any love at all. You look in the mirror and all you see is brokenness and despair. You want to run as far as you can in the opposite direction from God because you feel the emptiness begin to creep in and you have no idea where you are going next. You want to fix your life and THEN get right with God. You want to mend all the broken parts of you before you go to the Father and “make things right”. You want to go back and correct ALL of the dumb mistakes you made so that God will see you as whole and ready to seek Him for your destiny. Guess who I just described? Yup! Me.
This is how I felt not long ago. As I was dealing with a lifeless marriage and going nowhere in my walk with God, I was feeling so lost and not worthy of love in any shape or form. I felt like I needed to fix all of the mistakes I had made before I could even go before God and ask for forgiveness. Ten years I walked without acknowledging God was even in my life. Ten long years of doing it on my own, not seeking His wisdom or direction all because I felt I had made some really dumb choices for my life and until I worked all of these things out, I was stuck and unworthy of His grace.
In the midst of all of my brokenness, God just reached down one day and scooped me into His arms and began to love me back together. I was unwilling at first as I sat in a hospital room watching my overdosed husband fighting for his life. In that brief moment, He asked me if I was ready to be loved again. Surprisingly I did not hesitate. I had been doing everything on my own for so long, I was ready to give up. I was ready to surrender. I was ready to be whole again. How long had God been standing beside me waiting for me to get to this place in my life so that He could show me how much He truly loved me? From the moment I drifted, He stood closer. The more I beat myself up, the more He loved me. Every time I screamed out in agony, He longed to pick me up and hold me close.
Now as I stand on the brink of my entire life changing I am seeking God more than ever and as I do this, He releases me and sets me free. I have been waiting for my husband for three years, waiting for him to be renewed and find God. I simple wanted him to be healed from his addictions so that he could love again. I wanted him whole so that he could see God in his life. I wanted so badly for him to cease from being in constant pain and agony. I wanted him to feel worthy of God’s love so that our marriage could be repaired. I prayed and I stood in silence, waiting, until 6 weeks ago when God released me to divorce.
I spent two days wrestling with God. I surrendered my emotions over and over again. I prayed continuously for direction and answers. I asked God to show me what was going on and clear as day I heard Him tell me that He had promised me the restoration of my family, not the restoration of my marriage and in that very moment I felt the release from my marriage. I knew in my heart of hearts I had done my best and now the rest was up to God.
Now as I stand here in surrender. I am more free than I have ever been. I have found more peace than I have ever dreamed possible. I feel whole. I feel worthy. I feel loved. I can look in the mirror now and no longer see the past that was holding me back from accepting the love of God in my life. I now know without a shadow of a doubt that God’s love is unconditional and He is going to love me no matter how far I get of track. When I find myself in moments of doubt I just pause to reflect on what God rescued me from and I look forward to what lies ahead knowing He will love through it all.