Darn! I did it again!

Ephesians 1:7
in whom we have our redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace

How many times do I have to say, “Darn!  I did that again!” and then spend the next few minutes, hours, days weeks or months beating myself up for something I had not intended to do and was against what I stood for.  As a Christian I have tried to live up to the standards of the Bible, yet there are times when I just falter and sink miserably.  Self-hatred comes from this issue of not living up to the expectations of a parent, teacher or minister.  Failing at work, school, marriage or relationships.  All of these things add up to hurt and disappointment and can lead to self-hatred.

Recently I had such an instance in my life.  I did not even realize what was going on.  I had a mom who yelled about everything:  room not clean enough, took to long to eat, walked home from school to slowly and other things, some of which I had no control over.  I felt like I failed at marriage and raising my children. Yet most of this was just Satan working his best to destroy me who should have been secure in who I was in Christ.  He knew if he could get me to hate myself I would not seek out the things of God and it would just become another one of my failures.

I prayed with a mentor over the situation and was surprised when the answer to what I was feeling was self-hatred.  What?  Me, hate myself?  No way, I like who I am.  We did some digging with prayer and found somewhere in me was this hatred for who I had become.  I was always changing things about myself and not really understanding why but as soon as we prayed for forgiveness, I felt such a release.  A way of acceptance swept of me as I wept in the lobby of McDonalds.  I was release the moment I asked God to forgive me for hating myself.  His mercy was felt in the places where I had been hiding from the pain.

In the next few minutes as I accepted myself for who I was in Christ, things in my life just began to make sense.  I wasn’t a cutter, but every time I changed my hair color or cut it off it usually was during a time of frustration.  I would get so angry at myself for things not going well at home or work.  I blamed myself for things I knew were out of my control.  Well, now that I know why I was reacting the way I was, I can counteract it with loving myself for who I am in Christ.  Asking for forgiveness and filling the anger with love is one of the ways to become more Christlike.  Letting go of my self-hatred allows me to see things more clearly through the eyes of Jesus….just the way God intended.