A question was posed in my last Bible Study group and I was the one with the opposite answer. Of course some of you who know me could have guessed that!
“Are you more disappointed when you disappoint someone else or when you yourself is disappointed?”
Everyone but me said they are more disappointed when they disappoint someone else. Hmmm wierd huh? How would you answer this question? As I sat in class that night wondering why I answered the way I did I felt the answer come to me. I answered the question with full honesty from a very broken place.
I am not the type of person who needs to get ahead in life. Even though as a leader I often end up in a leadership role, it is not my drive in life. In fact if I could just be a follower I would be perfectly happy, however, that is not the way God intended me to live. (which means I probably wouldn’t be truly happy lol)
I am also the type of person who goes with the flow very well. Good or bad I just go with it. I accept things for what they are and move onward. Take for instance my house right now. It is torn apart at the seams, literally, as we are in the middle of a massive overhaul. One day the bedrooms walls were gone, then the carpet and now today it is a shell of a house with no walls at all. But, I’m okay. I am learning to look past the debris and disruption to see that this house will be a beautiful home once it is finished.
I can be labeled also as a person who gets disappointed. Like the ONE thing I wanted in the house is not going to happen. I really wanted a tub and it’s been a see-saw kind of decision from the get go. When it finally came down to that we can only fit a shower in, I lost it. Literally sat at work and cried as I let my husband gently know I wanted nothing to do with the shopping for a shower. Matter of fact as I type this now my eyes are brimming with tears because of that disappointment…HOWEVER…I also know when God says no He has something much better in mind and I find my peace in that.
Back to the question and the answer I felt I received. I tend to be more disappointed when things do not go my way because I have already accepted the fact that I am a disappointment to others so when I let people down I feel they knew it was coming. There has been a running, infected wound in my life which runs around telling me lies in every situation I encounter.
i am not good enough and i cannot do anything right
I have battled this my entire life and Jesus is working hard to heal me. It’s just a day by day process. Things I am plagued with: Why write? No one wants to read it. Why take pictures? Who wants to see them? My books are not any good. My photos are not up to par. How do I keep my job? How do I keep friends? Why work out? The scale hasn’t moved.
I could go on and on with dumb questions and it would just frustrate the people in my life who see me differently. The point of all of this is that disappointment is different for everyone. These are just the things which bother me. Disappointment is a trap and often we set the trap up ourselves. We EXPECT reactions from people before they even get a chance to express how they really feel. When we are feeling the pain of disappointment it hurts in ways we can’t often express to others. Some of you might be wondering why not getting a tub is so important. I can’t really tell you, it was just something I really wanted.
I am fully aware of how disappointment affects me and I am finding more and more that I no longer get my hopes up. I often don’t trust things will go in my favor. I am afraid to dream. I am held tight in a trap that doesn’t have any wiggle room. Is this right? No! this is not living the victorious life God has given to us.
where is the disconnect?
Reread that verse. It is our faith not our gold which will display His victory. We have to life this life from a place of great faith, trusting God the ENTIRE way not just in certain circumstances. We need to believe beyond the shadow of a doubt He has our BEST interest in mind. If He called me to write then I must write. If He gave me a passion to take photos then I must run with my camera. If He called me to be an encourager, then I must encourage those in my fitness group with all that is within me no matter what the scale says.