34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
This morning I did my usual ritual as sad as it may be…woke up, checked Facebook and Timehop…two things for some reason I do everyday. It’s like a trap I am stuck in of looking at the here and now updates and then checking on the past just to see if anything has really changed. What did I discover today? A pattern. A cycle of insanity. A never ending loop. A story of start and restart which has been going on for years. It seems like every year about this time I begin to get serious about my weight, for like a month, then it’s over until spring of the following year. What is wrong with me? Why can I not stick to a regiment and follow it through?
Well, I have a few ideas:
- Lack of motivation
- Winter in Michigan (haha)
- The change does not come quickly enough
- I CANNOT give up ice cream for the whole summer
- I am too hard on myself
- I do not see the worth in it
- It’s too much discipline
I am sure there are a billion other reasons I could come up with but I don’t want to bore you with the details. Let’s just say it’s been a struggle. I am over 200 pounds right now and have been for awhile. My husband and I just had a discussion in the car the other day about this subject and he asked me one startling question:
“If this was how you were to look for the rest of your life would you be happy?”
Nope! That was my answer and I can barely type this blog through the tears right now. Why would I not be happy? God created me this way. He loves me why can’t I? I have changed my eating habits drastically in the last two years. I have been soda free for over a year. I drink one cup of decaf coffee in the morning (used to drink pots of regular) and the rest of the day I only drink water. I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am not much of a snacker unless you count my handful of peanut butter M&M’s. I mainly eat veggies and chicken, not a fan of red meat. I have done slimfast in the morning and at lunch for a few months now with no real change. I have pushed myself to just get 8,000 steps in a day and get 3 days of 15 minutes of exercise. I have done all I know to do with no results. I know this has to be a life change and I also know that counting calories is not something I will do for the rest of my life.
I do struggle with my thyroid which my medication just recently changed. I had a partial hysterectomy and removal of a pound and half fibroid and lost 7 pounds in a week. So medically speaking there have been some struggles, however, I know I need to get more active. Yet somewhere inside my very soul I hear a voice speaking to me, “But I love you just the way you are. You are beautiful no matter what size you are. You don’t need to stress yourself out about this. Just rest in Me.” Wow! How can you ignore the sweetest voice of love speaking to you?
The picture posted with this blog is me just plain. No makeup. Hair just combed. No angled shot to make me look thinner. Just me. Just the way God created me. Now, why do I not love her? Why can I not accept her just as she is? Why do I spend several minutes a day putting make up on and fixing my hair just right? Why do I not love the image in the mirror like God does?
Now I will admit part of the make up, hair and clothes is how I am wired. God walked me through a healing in this area about a year ago. I love dressing up and looking my best but the problem lies within me of not ever wanting to go into public without makeup. I even wear make up to the gym. There are very few people who have seen me in all my plain glory and I kinda want to keep it that way…but why?
In John chapter 13 Jesus us tells us to love one another as He loves us. Sounds simple. However, in order to love one another we first need to learn how to accept and love ourselves. If we do not begin to love within ourselves what good are we to others who are in the same condition? Hate breeds hate and love produces love. Make sense? So if I hate the way I am then how can I ever fully love someone else for how they are?
So what am I going to do to break the cycle I am in? Nothing but listen to the direction of the Holy Spirit. Jesus said when He left this world He was sending the Comforter and I am calling on Him for wisdom and direction. I will eat what I feel is right. I will walk when I feel prompted. I will live according to God’s plan not mine. I could try (and have) another diet and exercise program. I could (and have) read another book on diet and exercise. I could follow the next fad in diet control. I could stress myself out in this underlying completion to be thin but I won’t.
My blood pressure is perfect. My heart is healthy. My lungs are clear. My muscles are good. Medically I am just fine, so here again why am I pushing so hard to get to a size which may not be even possible? I choose today to just be who I am. I choose to accept me for who I am. I choose to listen to the Holy Spirit direction. I choose to believe I am beautiful.
I choose to believe I am accepted and loved just as I am.
Sure was easy to type those things above, now the true test is walking this out and trusting the Holy Spirit and the plan God has for me. Who knows, I might make it to a size 10 and weigh 150 pounds by fall, BUT, if I don’t I am going to be okay because I will be found resting in His arms safe, loved and accepted no matter what size it says on the tags of my clothes.
I have seen the tough spot I am in with this cycle of insanity. I choose today to take one baby step in the direction of accepting the girl in the mirror just like you do. Thank You for the work You are about to do in me. I thank You and praise You for being my healer. I trust now in Your plan. Lead me. Guide me. Show me.
In Jesus Name Amen
2 thoughts on “Stuck in an Insanity Pattern”
Brenda, My dear Sister In Christ! Been there, too! Did exactly what you did, seen myself with the world’s eyes. Then cancer stage 4 hit, twice back to back! Lost, all hair, eyelashes, etc! But in that TIME OF RENEWING, God spoke clearly! You are My America “The Beautiful”! I even named you that before the foundations of the earth! I’m so, o.k. with going without makeup and wardrobe PERFECTION! With chemo, steroids bloat you like a whale, but it was a piece of God using it to heal me! So the weight thing is done, also! No more cutting myself down. Like you, changed my eating habits, walked, cleaned house. What ever I had the capability to do, without pushing myself into a bigger mess! Now, I’m 167 and I’m just fine with that! From 200 lbs. God’s MADE IT O.K. IN MY HEART AND SOUL! AMEN? IF HE LOVES ME THAT MUCH, YOUR NO DIFFERENT! PRAISE God we can share these things with one another! May Abba Father make YOU SEE YOU THROUGH HIS EYES AND NOT THE WORLDS! Cindy Crawford once said, “I wish I could REALLY LOOK AS GOOD AS ALL THE AIRBRUSHING AND TOUCH UPS HIDE AND LOOK AS GOOD AS CINDY CRAWFORD!!😂
Thanks for sharing your story too!!!