“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.”
There was a point in my life where I felt stuck. Frozen in a place I did not wish to be. I felt like I had no choice but to remain where I was. I lived a life of servant hood to a family that was not connected any more. Life had ceased for this family. It became a day to day struggle just to put food on the table or kerosene in the space heater. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day and other holidays just coming year after year and the struggle to get gifts just got greater. I was pretty much hopeless. Frozen in a life I no longer wanted to be a part of.
The day that God delivered me (see Day of Deliverance) I started to unthaw. I began to regain hope for life again. I thought that perhaps God was real all along. I finally saw a light in my life that had been missing for quite awhile. I could sense a change. As the numbness began to wear off I felt life again.
Just recently I came to the end of the past. I gave away the trailer I had lived out 22 years of life in. The place where I had felt frozen at. The last thing I needed to do to let go of the pain and anguish. I thought it would be easy, non-emotional….nope. The moment I went over there and began to gather a few of the things I wanted like pictures and mementos, I felt a twinge of pain. I finally arrived at a time when I was just done and I said I am leaving what’s left in this trailer behind and I went home, sat down and cried.
When God saves us from our own disasters sometimes we do not realize we are still emotionally bound to them. I had not realized that by giving away what I thought was a pure disaster, now was a blessing to someone who needed a new home. So now the guilt is gone. I am unfrozen and feeling like life has a purpose again. I feel like I can once again roam freely about with my new life knowing I did my best in the past to stay above water.