Isaiah 30:21
New Living Translation (NLT)
Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,”
whether to the right or to the left.
Ever just have one of those days when you just could choke a chicken? The thrill of running around a chicken coop chasing the biggest bravest chicken and then just grabbing it and shaking it seems a bit out of character for me I know, but when frustration builds up and then anger suddenly raises its’ ugliness, that is the only way to describe how I feel. I have not written in a few days and it is simply because I have been in a valley of sorts and I felt nothing I put into print would have made much sense to anybody. I was so filled with bitter discontentment and questions it would have been useless for me to try to convey any source of help to anyone. Wednesday in particular was a terrible day. And since I have been very open and honest here in my blogging, I will continue on that path. I feel perhaps I have learned a lesson along the way about how to react in some instances and maybe this will help someone else.
It started out like any ordinary Wednesday except for the fact I usually have them off and I was working because I traded days so I could go to a Casting Crowns concert the next day. Any ways, I was about to leave my job for the day and I was listening to my voicemail to discover I had a message from a local video store across town that said I was 5 days late with a movie. What? I had not rented from that store in a long time and I was puzzled. So I called only to discover that my husband, who I may remind you I have been separated from for three years, had rented a movie and neglected to bring it back. Okay, I was not upset so much about the lateness of the rental but more so the fact that he had rented it using my phone number. So this set up my mood for the rest of the evening and then my son called and needed a ride and was upset about something which flamed the spark of anger already started and then my daughter attempted to get in the van after school and after I asked her to call her dad, she spouted in wonderment why I was putting her in the middle of the situation and I lost it! Said some choice words and made everyone exit the vehicle and I drove off in a whirlwind of fury. I arrived home to any empty house only to discover that I had forgotten to drop the deposit off from work and that just made the anger into a roaring fire raging out of control.
I had no choice but to stop this behavior. I drove miles to the lake, threw it into park and I cried. I cried until I thought I was going pass out. Texted a few people for prayer. Wrote a disturbing Facebook post and then cried some more. I cried until there was no more left in me. I felt horrible about my behavior and the things I had spewed out into the air disguised as smart articulation. I had left my kids down and their friends. I had shown a side of me which I thought I had buried long ago. I felt like I was at the end of a rope hanging above razor blades and I wanted to let go. I wanted to run until my legs broke underneath me. I wanted to just choke something…good thing there were no chickens running around by the lake. Finally something broke inside me and I knew I had to just give it to God. Not pull myself together or pretend everything was okay, I had to just let go. I had to realize that my anger was misdirected and blown out of proportion and I had to acknowledge that this outburst was actually a long time in the making. My frustration with my current situation had just reached a boiling point and my kids were the recipients’ of the burning from the steam.
I have been struggling lately trying to make do with less finances and hating my house that I currently live in. I have been getting frustrated with the separation and the way it was affecting all aspects of my life. Worried about getting my book published and wondering if it will be worth the read. Mad because my taxes are being held because my husband had not filed last year. Mad at myself for not pushing myself to be better at Mary Kay and lastly, frustrated at how long the process has been for getting my teeth done. Now, what I had to sit back and realize as I was sitting in my van at the lake was that all of these things were not for me to control. Wow, once I realized this, a sudden calm came over me and I could sense forgiveness. In the moment when I surrendered it, like a mighty wave of water, God came and washed over me, releasing from my grip the grief I had been carrying around with me.
As you can CLEARLY see by now, I am human and I live a real life. I think sometimes I get carried away with the thoughts of the world and I begin to drift back to that place of emptiness like I had before. Surely that is right where Satan would have me, lonely, depressed and feeling hopeless. Thank God I know better than to fall for that trap for any length of time! I stumbled and I fell flat on my face erasing any illusion people may have had of me. As I sorted through the things which were hindering me and had placed me in this valley, I began to realize God was trying to change something in me and I quickly was on a mission to figure out what it was. Yesterday, I think I figured it out: my reactions to things were speaking louder than the calmness in my life. Every time my husband did something I did not like I got upset and frustrated instantly. I was still blaming him for all the wrong in my life. So when I got a call again yesterday about this same movie being late, I called again and explained the situation one more time, this time letting the manager know how he could contact my husband, leaving me out of the situation and letting God have control. No real reason in getting upset about a movie being late, especially when I didn’t really have anything to do with it.
So, I feel like I am still in the valley, yet seeing the light shinning brighter just a few miles ahead. God has called each of us to become overcomers and if we allow Him to direct our steps, surely each time we will end up right on target, just like He already planned it to be. I know, I know, letting go is not easy, and sometimes we have to do it over and over and over again before we gain any results. Push through the muck and the weeds until you feel that you are on solid ground again and safely in balance again. Now I am not saying we will get it right the first time or even the first dozen times, but in the process we will gain a little more wisdom. Slow and steady like the turtle, right? So for now all chickens are safe (as if I could even catch one) and I am learning what matters and what does not. I have my kids and a roof over my head. I have a Father who loves me and the book I have written belongs to Him for He was the inspiration. For now I am trying to be still and know He is in control and I have but to overcome this valley so I can continue up the mountain!
Step Upon the Golden Road with Me! 
Wow…didn’t realise how relevant the chariot analogy was until I read this. Holding you up in prayers x x x
your response made me laugh out loud!! God is so good and He knows EXACTLY what we need each step of the way!!
As a matter of fact, since it fits so well, I am going to post it here:
Just wanted to share this devotion with you. Victory in life” -(19b)”What is this confidence that you have?” (22a)”We trust in the Lord our God…” – 2 Kings 18:19b, 22a
This is one of my favorite stories. During the filming of the old classic movie, Ben Hur, Charlton Heston had a terrible time learning to drive the chariot. When it came time to film the key sequence of the chariot race, Heston told the director, “I think I can drive the chariot, but I don’t think I can win the race.” The director replied, “You just drive, and I’ll see to it that you win.”
Wouldn’t it be great if we could be assured of victory in life? Wouldn’t you like to know that, even though the circumstances don’t always seem to be in our favor, the ultimate outcome would be positive?
I have good news for you. This principle does hold true. Those who place their trust in Jesus Christ, who seek to follow His guidance and direction for living, can be sure of ultimate victory through eternal life. Live life God’s way. He assures the victory.
Tracey Dullens Shanahan said: This really spoke to me. God saying to us…..”just drive…get up, get dressed, go to work, keep breathing…doing what u have to each day….I am in control and will make sure u win the race”!!!!!
No eloquent words to express my pleasure reading your story…this is the simplistic beauty of your writing style. You are sharing with your heart, the stuff of life. The stuff that all of us face and are challenged with. You see a mountain in front of you, you want to give up the climb, you may even grumble a bit about the unfairness of it (and life isn’t fair…separation is especially not fair when the other party has co-dependent using behaviors.) You may slow down to find a private or even somewhat lonely spot to gather your “reality check” but you don’t quit, or give up …instead you cry out to God from where your help cometh! Then, you climb some more!!! So, we all want to continue to watch for the next episode and see the victory as it mounts with each new ounce of wisdom, you gain but also impart to us. I am reminded of a much less spiritual comment related to swimming…from the movie Finding Nemo. “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”
And yes, our lives are somewhat like the chariot race….we drive, and HE does see we win the race or find our way home (as in Nemo’s case) or find our way to VICTORY IN JESUS, our Saviour forever! Thank you so much for sharing your life with us, your trials and your victories! They inspire us, to stop and think…to look at our own frustrations, and face the things we cannot change without staying angry for half as long as we might. I love you, girlfriend!
Awww..I love you too! I just tell it like it is instead of sugar coating it like most. Life is real, God is the real and people need to hear the reality of life and for some reason I am not afraid to show EXACTLY who I am:) Thanks for the blessing of words! Love you too!!!
As human beings, having to live through such a challenging world where anything can go wrong and set you off is quite annoying. In fact, the most annoying thing about this world is dealing with one another. At least that’s my opinion. If everyone were really children of God and obeyed him, we wouldn’t have much of a worry in this world. No war, no betrayal, no framing, stealing, intentional harm etc.
Brenda, I really admire your patience. That is something I still have to work on for certain areas. I mean I can wait in line for service whether it’s checking something out or waiting to get food, but as far as other things it’s a pain. I guess school would be an example. You set your foot in the classroom for the first time at five years old, then 20+ years later, you’re STILL there.
I really felt bad for you when you shared you went somewhere private and just started crying. They say crying is a way for God to hear you too and that it’s prayer. I have been through this so many times where I try not to cry and just be strong. But when something hurts you, you have to let it out instead of carrying it around with you. There are times where I just wanted to lay down in bed and close my eyes forever becuase this world does suck sometimes. But reading your testimony reminded me of when I worked at Wendy’s. I was only able to last for 6 months becuase I could not take the emotional abuse from both customers and co-workers. There was one NIGHT, Brenda….ONE night where things were so incredibly bad for me that my emotions were so screwed up. I did not know whether to cry or stay strong. It was one of the most confusing times of my life because my body did not know how to react. So, that night, I just popped in a movie (Galaxy Quest). I had laughed, forgot all about my job and just went to sleep with an empty mind that night. It was the perfect cure.
My Testimony:
I did have a bad day last Friday. It was dealing with sickness. I woke up for school and the moment I did, my throat felt really strange. It was dry and I had to cough somewhat. I blamed it on my ceiling fan drying my throat out. I rarely sleep with it running. I went to school able to ignore it. I bought a few things from the store but when I came home and after eating something I’ve never had before that’s when things were getting worse. That night, for HOURS I tried sleeping. I tossed and turned, I was so tired and very impatient. I felt like if my head was too flat and low, I wouldn’t be able to breathe to find comfort. I was so uncomfortable and scared that I slept with the lamp on and the TV. I am not used to being sick. I was ALWAYS very careful and good at that and if I had colds, it was just the measly usual; stuffy nose and scratchy throat. But what I had on Friday to Saturday was pure nonsense and it made me wonder if I had strep throat, flu, or tonsillitis. I even though that I may have been allergic to whatever I had tried out for the first time at the store. The sickness was ambiguous!
What was really strange was that on that first night of restlessness, I thought about God. I thought to myself what would be worse than this sickness I am going through? Pregnancy? Food poison? Stomach Virus? Missing the rapture? Hell? Missing the rapture and Hell were the very two things that scared me. When you miss the rapture, you feel you’re at your lowest. To know that your fellow Christians or Catholics have made the first boat, but you have to stay for worst test and trials possible. Laws will mean nothing, people will do whatever they want to you, and Satan will be roaming the earth in human form. I would feel so lonely. Then I thought about hell. I’ve read and listened to many stories of people who said they visited hell. foul stench, very hot, being torn apart, tortured, being shown all the things you did wrong or who you hurt. And most of all, you’re absent of God’s presence. I may be a child of God, but I suck at asking for forgiveness becuase I feel so bad repeating myself to him. So, I confessed my sins and this sickness motivated me to just be a better person for Him and Jesus. So far, I’m on a roll. 🙂
But here is where choking the chicken comes in. When something goes wrong, I have a habit of narrowing it down to the ultimate source. I’m sick. Okay? Why? Well, let’s see; I must have either breathed something in, I must have rubbed my eyes, chewed on my nail, or maybe I ate something. Well how did that happen? Oh, the germs were there. Well why? Because someone else was sick. Why? Oh! Adam and Eve! It all comes back to those two human beings who screwed everything up for us. And believe me, I was pretty mad at them for the past two days. Over a bad cold. lol! There are times where I fantasize about jumping into a time machine and punching Eve in the face. But some people say that they eating the fruit was meant to happen. I don’t know. It seems like a cruel fate to me.
Brenda, You mentioned that Satan would have wanted you to be in that troublesome moment. I was told many times that when Satan tries to get to you, it’s because he KNOWS there’s something great coming for you in the future and he doesn’t want you to have it. So, your book may sale, your husband may come back sooner than you think, your teeth may be done nicely (i need to see a dentist. I haven’t gone in years). So, that’s how I grade my situations sometimes. IF something bad happens or if someone says something mean to be about something I’m doing, maybe that’s Satan trying to push me away from something very valuable.
And I was thinking, maybe had things run smoothly, you probably would have gotten in a car accident. You said you went straight home without doing something you would have done before. God has a strange way of controlling our lives. Maybe that is something to think about.
Have I told you how awesome you are???? Thanks for your words, I feel encouraged! Wait til you read todays blog….. love ya!
Your blog is Amazing I know I don’t comment very often but I read everyone of them. You are an inspiration to me and many. Blessings my Dear Sister Brenda and much Love……
Thanks, that means I must be listening to God and following His lead because none of this comes from me, it is truly Holy Spirit directed!!! Thanks again! Be Blessed!!!
Brenda, I read it… and can so relate! The enemy is watching to see which buttons to push to remind us of our humanness!!! Funny thing is, with Christ in us, we have spiritual discernment, and after we’ve been knocked down a few times, and He gently lifts us back up… it sticks! We realize that we are truly the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus! Today is 2/26 and I have a devotional “Jesus Calling,” by Sarah Young, and today’s devotion so completely covers this (and all feelings of frustration that gets thrown at us!)…”I am leading you, step by step, through your life. Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy–even precarious. That is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion; doubting My promises to care for you. Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go. [ref. Deut 29:29; Ps 32:8]” Wow… does that help? I hope so… it encourages me that the Shepherd is a constant… day by day, moment by moment!!! We do experience humanness in front of our kids, and all you can do is remind them you are human and ask them for forgiveness! It gets easier, day by day! (((hugs))) Tess
Yes and he is very good at selecting just the right buttons at just the right moment when the world is watching!