Nope, That Can’t Be It, Can it?

“[Dedicated Service] Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.” Romans 12:1 NASB

Okay, with a show of hands (don’t worry I cannot see you)  how many times have we stepped up to the altar, raised our hands in surrender thinking we know what a man or woman of God will speak into our lives like we have it all figured out?  I know you cannot see me either but my hand is raised, not in knowledge but in surprise.  There have been so many times I think I don’t need prayer and God shows me I do.  There have been times when I had to drag my flesh to the front because I did not think there was another thing God wanted to heal in me.  Whether we like it or not, God knows us better than we ever will.  I do not care how many psychology or self-help books we read, never will be able to figure it all out.  Let me use tonight as an example.

A friend of mine and I went to Boot Camp tonight to hear a prophetess speak, not expecting prayer or a word of knowledge, just a lesson in the things God had in mind.  I expected to learn, not release or have God show me something I had really misunderstood about myself.  Now the lesson was clearly about false prophets and good trees producing good fruit and bad trees producing bad fruit.  She clearly taught how the body of Christ can easily be deceived. After a time of refection she called those up front who wanted to become pure and holy with no bad roots in us so that we may be trees of life bearing the good stuff the people of God needed.  Of course, I went up front, knowing I knew just what needed to be ripped out of me only to have God show me something completely different.

I was figuring she would say doubting was my downfall and maybe she would say something about the direction of my writing or the restoration of my family, NOPE!  God had something totally off the beaten path for me that hit me like a train.  He clearly stated He freed me from depression and a brokenness in my mind.  What?  Huh?  I am the type of person who tells everyone that I am not a depressed type of person and I am thankful I do not have to conquer that.  I also thought I could not help those who are dealing with depression (including my own daughter) because I had not walked through that in my life, yet here was God telling me He had delivered me from it. Once again, Huh?  I was really confused and then she told me I was anointed to free the broken-minded and hurting. Boy, did I miss the mark or what?

Yes, if you look at my WHOLE testimony, I should have been depressed:  adopted into a family where the dad was a drinker and the mom a yeller. Molested at age 5 by a family friend.  Teased in elementary school so badly I cried almost every day.  Parents then divorced when I was 16.  Smoking by age 13.  Drinking at age 15.  I had three random relationships before marrying my husband who was a drinker then an drug addict.  Had two children I tried to protect from everything that was going on behind the scenes in my marriage only to end up 20 years later, separated and living with just my daughter in a run down trailer.  Who wouldn’t be depressed?  But let us dig deeper perhaps so that through writing this out I too might grasp what God is saying.  Did I hide everything from myself?  Did I just think I was okay?  I wasn’t a cutter.  I did cry myself to sleep, but I didn’t just stay in bed all the time, I was always active.  I thought I was pretty positive about things.  Maybe I have a misinterpretation of depression.  (one moment as I go get Websters answer to the meaning of just this word)

Definition of DEPRESSION

a : the angular distance of a celestial object below the horizon b : the size of an angle of depression
: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a : a pressing down : lowering b (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1) : a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2) : a lowering of vitality or functional activity
Okay the first part does not fit and unless I was in denial the only thing which seemed to fit in my situation is hopelessness.  Did Satan have such a hold on my life at one time I could not see these things in my life?  I do remember one time I had this huge fight with my husband and I went for a walk.  It was a long walk towards Lake Michigan and my intentions were to never stop walking even when I got to the water.  I got tired after walking for like two and half hours and called for a ride, but I was pretty determined to be done with all of this frustration in my life and that word (frustration is the key).  This was the summer before it all came to head with my husband and as I shared this story recently with my daughter she clearly pointed out that I would not have drowned, it was not possible. (besides I am sure my fear of water would have taken over at some point).
Anyways, as this person was praying over me, she told me I had to get rid of all of my recent frustrations.  Ugh!  The whole list?  Work, my home, finances, my writing…….all of it I had to surrender to God tonight so that I would not be led down to the roads of depression again.  Boy, Satan sure threw me for a loop and I did not even notice.  Is this happening in your life too?  I urge you to fall to the floor in prayer and worship and ask God to reveal the things which you are deceived by.  Certainly God has been protecting me all along for the person praying said if it was not for the hand of God I would not have been standing there tonight…I will most assuredly agree with such a statement.  Will you trust God enough to reveal to you the things which you need to straighten out in your life so that you may bear good fruit?
As for me I will be listening closely to what emotions I am using to deal with life.  I will continue to learn to be quiet and only speak positive things into the atmosphere around me.  I certainly do not wish to be depressed or give the appearance that I am.  I also do not wish to hide anything from myself anymore.  I want to be used by God and He can only use me if I am pure and holy.  When we are accurately following the things of God, only then can He use us in a mighty way to help others around us.   So here I stand in surrender, waiting on the Lord, keeping quiet about my frustrations and not whining anymore.  I give it all to God and in the mean time I will spend my extra time in worship!
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